destruction - 07.24.2008 - creation

*** 10:58 pm ***

- commentary for a poem -

sometimes i seem to realize it's not that i want to be with her again as much as i want to be there again. those two weeks of discovery, of myself in a lot of ways, were a high point, maybe the high point, of my life. yes, it's the typical coming-of-age summer fling, but for me it was so much more because, well, it happened to me. i attached all this mythical grandeur to it, as though we'd be together forever despite our differences and the distance, despite our life trajectories and all the other people and events in our lives. it was love, and it had to last, it could not change, it must be permanent.

nothing is permanent. everything changes. all is lost.

sometimes, when i'm sad and lonely, i try to go back there in my mind and relive those happy days. all that happens, though, is i feel worse, because i had a dream and now it's gone. i had a smile and an easy time, a great experience and no worries, but i'll never be like that again. it's over, 14 years over now, and it can't happen again. we've grown up, we've grown apart, we've lost the magic we thought we had. call it age, experience, cynicism, or whatever. call it life. it's sad, but that's how it is.

*** 10:42 pm ***

- i know what's coming -

tarot.cm: You could go over the top today as you paint a positive picture of your love life, but your words don't tell the whole story. Sweetheart Venus is in your sign, buttering you up with warm feelings, but its hard aspect to unrelenting Pluto may have you up against the wall with no way over it. Don't be glib; covering up the truth won't make it any easier.

i'm not hiding anything about my love life. i'm definitely not painting it brighter than it is. no, this sun is setting, the ride is coming to an end. the candle is flickering out, we're not much more than friends. there's that four letter word, the one from the cake song. it's not that i hear it much, but i can't help but think it's closer than i know.

you may have noticed how i've been referring to her lately. as in, she's the anonymous female who keeps popping up. i'm sure it gets confusing when i talk about other women, like al or two-face. if now i talk about a "she," you can't be sure which it is. i realized tonight that there's no point in this. i stopped with her name because of our impending end, but it occurs to me that her nickname shouldn't change just because our relationship is. maybe if the next one somehow acquires the same nickname, but i've yet to manage that with girlfriends. i don't call them all the same thing, though if i repeat myself with the next one it'll probably be because i forgot who the previous ones were. she's the one i will remember, so unless her replacement insists on using the same name, i'll not be continuing. besides, i can always call the next one something else here. most likely i'll write about her before we start dating, and that name will stick. hopefully i'll have something more creative. i'm sure that would make reading more interesting to you.

in conclusion, i'm not being a pollyanna about my relationship with baby. i'm realistic about what comes next.

*** 11:46 am ***

- keep listening -

couples: One of your long-held beliefs may be challenged by your partner today. Instead of reacting negatively, hear them out. If you feel the point they're making is a valid one, consider adapting your own opinion.

she does this time to time, and usually i get defensive. i should learn to tolerate this sort of challenge better, and not take everything as criticism or an attack. i should be flexible enough to change my mind. i know "the public" frowns on that in our politicians, but private citizens still have every right to change what they think and believe. it is good to challenge your beliefs, because you may be wrong. if you're not, then you'll strenthen your defense. furthermore, most beliefs exist in a grey area where they're neither wholly true nor wholly false. they're matters of opinion, not fact. it's quite possible others have better ideas than i.

that said, i do tend to cave in to people, and, as with politeness and courtesy, i have trouble knowing when to bend and when to break. i don't know how to stand up for myself. when i try, i tend to go full bore and get in trouble. i don't have all the facts to back up my beliefs, neither am i sure how to disregard their "facts". i never took debate, so i don't know how to build rhetoric into a persuasive stack of noise. i'm no sophist.

i'm a bully.

now challenge me, i'm all ears.

*** 9:18 am ***

- michigan vacation 2008, part 2: driving pains -

i left work early for the doctor last wednesday. took the bus (sweating in the outdoor sauna) and arrived a few minutes late. i read half an article on rush before he saw me, then didn't bother finishing afterwards. i came back to work to clock in and out for the half hour left on my time. it was that or take it as pto, and dude, that's ridiculous (though you could argue coming back to work was ridiculous). after this clock game i went to cvs to get my prescription filled. i think i bought milk too, and it wasn't bad this time.

she came home shortly after i got home, and we packed and cleaned before we left. i'd wanted to go at by 7, but she needs to clean before we go on a trip so the place is nice when we get back. i can appreciate that, but it wreaked havoc on our schedule. we'd already planned to hit target on the way, and i knew we'd need to stop for gas--and i'd have to get out and walk around both places to alleviate my back pain--so leaving an hour late, and losing an hour in the time change, screwed up our arrival time. they were awake at 11, but not at 12:30. when i realized we'd be that late i should have called, but i didn't think of it until we were on the road, and i wasn't comfortable calling while night driving.

it's only a two-hour drive, flying between 70-80 the whole way, but it feels like forever because i kept thinking i should be there already. when i finally made it, i had to call the unit and hope someone woke and let us in the gate. we got everything in and i took more back pain pills and a muscle relaxant. i wrapped a heating wrap across my back while i slept, with the idea it would help things. i'm not sure it did, but i kept it up a couple nights just in case. i think the directions say to wear them during the day too, but in that heat, and wearing a swimsuit, no. i'm not sure the muscle relaxant had much effect either, since i didn't feel particularly drowsy after taking one, but i slept ok. normally i might not because that bedroom tends to be hot and the beds uncomfortable. i slept pretty well in michigan. the past few nights i've been waking earlier--4 monday morning, 2:30 this morning--but i've gotten back to sleep. it's tougher to roll over with a pillow between my legs.

*** 7:26 am ***

- filtered judgment -

astrocenter: Be careful to say what you really mean. The Moon is square Jupiter today, and this could inspire you to express some powerful opinions. But you also might find it easy to misspeak. Try not to offend anyone with your speech. And make sure that your boss or other influential people won't be offended by what you have to say. If you are careful not to create any enemies, you will feel liberated as you speak from the heart. Just don't speak in terms that are vague or complex. Make sure that your language is easily understood.

the other day, a co-worker and i were talking, and he kept glancing over at a woman down the hall. she turned the corner and he shook his head. "she's a backstabber," he said. i'm not sure what my face betrayed, but i kind of suspected people said that about her. i've seen her in action, not wanting to take responsibility for her feelings she conveys them to others so they'll do her dirty work. whether this is getting a higher up to handle an issue or having a friend communicate displeasure, she rarely gets her hands dirty with other people. you hear about her concerns, but you don't necessarily know they're from her. you can't prove it.

except, she talks to me. everyone talks to me. everyone likes me. that was my response, after some hesitation: "everyone likes me." it's true. i keep my head down and get my work done (and then some) and no one has any complaints. i'm not spreading rumours or undermining others. i smile when they talk to me, i listen attentively (or at least pretend to), i do what they ask. i am everyone's friend. i'm not yet at the point where i know all the secrets, but i think i could get there if i tried. if i remembered what i heard. it's funny, but even were i to voice my opinion no one would believe me.

later that day, the temptation to tell her she was a two-faced double-dealing tramp rose in me. i threw in the 'tramp' part to take it over-the-top, with the idea that exaggeration would make it funny, and i could deliver it as a joke, then say no, i don't mean it. but those jokes always have a kernel of truth. i forget how i worked it out in my head, because i never put it into practice. i thought it would have worked, but i'm not sure how anymore. i suppose it would depend on the proper context. i'll keep that line in mind in case the opportunity presents itself.

so much for chivalry.

*** 7:16 am ***

- "i always get it up for the touch of the younger kind" -

singles: Today you might meet someone who changes your opinion about what's considered romantic. Open your mind to the possibility that chivalry and tender gestures are not a thing of the past. The actions might be impractical but they sure are amorous.

someone to impress? someone new to explore and disappoint? perhaps adopting a more chivalrous attitude would help me impress the ladies. walk on the street side (she says so she can catch her reflection in the shop windows, which is good enough for me), open doors, give women the right of way. of course, all this chivalry clashes with feminism (in complex ways if you think about it, but rather harshly if you don't), and i've had my lesson in feminism, but i'm still happy to hold the door for you.

what intrigues me is this recurring theme of meeting new people. i don't see this happening, since my day doesn't put me in position to meet new people, but it's possible. it's also possible i'll have another boring day, with nothing new happening. i have to create opportunity, but i'm not sure how. i suppose i'll try to be more courteous and "chivalrous" and we'll see what happens. maybe i'll impress someone without knowing it, and that will later visit good things upon me, like karma.

*** 7:02 am ***

- you should feel sick -

nas promotes an album, fox promotes racism.

*** 6:40 am ***

- can't front the funk -

watching the sunset and the world turning backward

regret - 07.24.2008 - blame