destruction - 11.06.2009 - creation

*** 12:59 pm ***

- everyone's life is boring, and writing about it is even worse -

i'm an english major. i wanted to be a writer. i wanted to write fiction, well enough or popular enough to live off it. it seemed like not a lot of work doing something in enjoyed. and it would get all these ideas out of me, free me from my inner monologue. it would make me better.

writing never took off. i have a few ideas about what went wrong, but i'm not a writer, i'm a paralegal. were i really serious about having a life skill i'd be an accountant. everyone needs accountants. when the company collapses someone has to figure out why, and that task usually falls to the accountants. at the end of the world the accountants will still be busy totalling what went right and what went wrong.

there's a better way to say that, which is probably why i'm not a writer.

this riff here comes after reading an article asking why movies often show poor or troubled children escaping through writing rather than math. again, i have an english degree. that's fine, but i don't use it now. i haven't held a job where an english degree did anything for me. a degree, yes, but it being english didn't matter.

and has writing helped me? has it purged me of my demons? have i told any sort of story? no. i'm just as dull and cliched and unfinished as most everyone else. i'm even an english major and i can't write particularly well. do you really think writing is just about talent? you have to know what you're doing. you have to use tools to build your story. you have, shit, i don't even know what you need to be a good writer. it doesn't just happen, though.

your diary simply isn't that interesting. even if the facts were, you're not telling it in a way that excites people. read somethings. read it regularly. what do you see? what trend do you notice? repetition. boring rants. dull details. a lack of growth. this story hasn't gone very far since i began it eight years ago. people have changed, but i'm not much different. i'm still cluttered, still unsure of myself, still disatisfied without any idea of what will make it better. i may even be worse.

and this is supposed to be inspirational?

*** 11:41 am ***

- the stars tell me to relax but i'll be uptight -

couples: Yes, you love the limelight, but you've got to admit that your certain someone looks pretty darn good with it shining on them too. Let them take center stage -- or at least play an equal costarring role.

the plan tonight is to watch law & order for two hours after work. we won't even make it to the grocery store because she works until 6 and l&o comes on at 7. kind of a dull plan, with little to no limelight. but i'll go along with it. maybe i'll get online with her netbook or something. after another week of everything i'm ready to turn off the brain for a bit. have to relax some time.

single: Usually you're relaxed, good natured and able to roll with the punches, but the astrological configurations right now have you feeling a mite more sensitive than usual, especially when it comes to romance.

this is not a good sign. baby doesn't try to push my buttons, but when i'm particularly sensitive she doesn't have to, i just go off. i'm usually uptight, but if the stars are right then i'm going to be a pain in the ass tonight. maybe all weekend. that should be fun. especially at ikea tomorrow.

*** 6:43 am ***

- sierra nevada -

gathering a list of people's ideas of cheap thrills

regret - 11.06.2009 - blame