destruction - 07.03.2009 - creation

*** 6:23 pm ***

- what's for love? -

lovescope: Your romantic partner may be experiencing some conflicts between pursuing a career and giving in to family demands. Don't let this irritate you, and don't lash out at your lover. Try to be patient and sensitive. Your beloved would appreciate some support from you, as there are enough pressures being exerted as it is. The celestial energy could well make this a rocky day if you aren't careful. Hang in there!

baby's in florida, and she's soon not to be my romantic partner. i have no need or desire to lash out at her. i'm waiting to be apart so i can move on. i can finish moving on. i can work on being myself.

she called today while i was at cvs buying milk. she wanted to be sure we got paid today, and check whether i deposited her check. the answer to both is yes. she was going somewhere and didn't have time to talk.

we swapped a few texts last night, but i really haven't heard much from her since she left. except for her rental care things seem to be going ok. that's good. i'm glad she's enjoying herself. i'm glad i don't miss her. i feel a little lonely, but i've been busy and haven't felt isolated. tonight may test that, as will sunday.

tonight all is coming over. we'll have marinated steak and play video games. i'll bake cookies. it'll be fun, but when she leaves i'll be alone again. one time this happened i felt desperately alone and couldn't sleep. another time i had no problem. i don't know which is going to hit tonight. i don't know which i'm going to allow to happen. i had a little trouble with sleep wednesday night, but i chalked that up to frustration over my computer problems. i haven't been worried about sleeping alone.

last night, well, this morning, i was too tired to think.

my problem is i want another lover. not a girlfriend but someone to go to bed with me. someone to sleep with. someone who wants to fuck me. i don't know how or where to meet this person. not random internet bait or bar trolls, but someone i've kinda gotten to know who will be more than just a fuck. more than just sex. not necessarily love, but something marginally meaningful. someone who'll have a conversation with me too. someone who'll be honest about it. someone who will lie next to me afterwards and talk about whatever's on her mind. or curl up beside me or spoon with me. it should be more than just physicality.

though when i'm single long enough that'll be enough.

*** 5:52 pm ***

- "i may have been born yesterday, sir, but i was up all night" -

tarot: You are of two minds today. On one hand, you're enthusiastic about playing with your friends. Fun and games are high on your list of things to do. But you are also weary of always being the one who makes things happen. You need some downtime and the idea of going off by yourself for a while sounds delightful. Fortunately, it's not an either/or situation, so schedule some time for both.

last night i went up to rogers park to witness my friend's band house of winehouse. if you haven't guessed, this is an amy winehouse cover band. they're pretty good, and they play it straight from tight arrangements down to all amy's crazy tattoos. the singer, a pettite girl with a huge wig, has a good low class british accent and seems to enjoy going on slurred rants about trivial problems. they play somewhere in the city again in a few weeks, but i'll be out of town.

how did july get so busy?

after the show i visited dct. we drank whisky and chatted, rambling from music to sex to love to existence, until five in the morning. that's when she offered me her futon to crash on. i would have gone home if she hadn't.
before 8 i was awake, and maybe even up. i padded into the kitchen to find one of her roommates who didn't realize i was there. she seemed a little out of it, though i'd heard her in the shower so i figured she was somewhat together. she gave me a bagel, finished cooking her breakfast, and disappeared.
i'd finished the bagel and was wondering what to do next when dct popped in and gave me orange juice. we decided to go to ihop, and i did my clueless impression while she changed.
ihop was its usual goodness, and then i caught the red line at addison. i got off at grand and walked over to the movie theater where i met all and saw 'public enemies.' i do not recommend it. after that i hit the grocery store then walked home down dearborn. i'd wanted red white & blue sprinkles for cookies i plan to make, but they didn't have any.
at home i got on the computer and tried to think what to do. eventually i went to another jewel where they still did not have sprinkles, but i got icing instead. each pack covers 12 cookies, and my recipe makes six dozen or something.

daily: Your living, breathing energy is impossible to contain -- get out there and shake things up! You feel better than some think you have the right to feel, but that is their problem, not yours!

i finally showered and now i'm here. at most it's three hours of sleep on a flip'n'fuck, a dull movie, and some coffee. now i'm drinking an orange celsius and hoping i stay awake when all gets here about 8. i don't feel very energized, but i'm not as tired as maybe i should be. i wonder when the crash comes. we're gonna hang out instead of watching the city fireworks. we don't want to deal with the crowds.

*** 3:11 pm ***

- lifehouselessness -

chipped ham with dried apricots

regret - 07.03.2009 - blame