destruction - 05.18.2009 - creation

*** 8:43 pm ***

- this is what has to happen, but that doesn't mean i like it -

couples: You may be tempted by something that seems new and exciting, but keep in mind that all that glitters is not gold. Your relationship is the real thing, with no hidden tricks or false promises.

this relationship does not glitter, and it most certainly is not gold. the luster wore off long ago, and i have been lost in its dullness this long while. rather than fix it we must let it end and go our separate ways. no hidden tricks, no false promises--these are the last days.

must i repeat myself? must i keep telling you this? or am i telling myself this? do i write these things to remind myself that we're over so i don't get caught up in the day-to-day romance of living with a girl? do i remind myself of our impending doom so i stop expecting so much from her, and stop feeling such profound disappointment when she doesn't live up to these expectations? perhaps i dwell on the end because i'll be sad when she's gone, or perhaps i'm telling myself to get what i can from this, make my peace, and move on. don't ask for more than i can have.

singles: What's your gut feeling? Sure, listening to your head or following your heart are fine ways to go, but at the moment your instinct is a surer guide than your intellect or your emotions.

my head knows what's up, and my heart doesn't want to let go. my gut is hungry and angry, which is not a good pairing. hungry for contact but angry at being frustrated. frustrated that there's not more contact in my home, and that outside doesn't offer contact either. is my gut my instinct? perhaps not. perhaps my instinct says go in there and take her, because is's primal, it's animal. it says "make her yours" and i would but she'd resist and then i'd feel bad about it. i'm not into power games lately so pushing her around and degrading her are not on my list of things to do. instead i'll stew in my distant shelter, sleep poorly and be unhappy in the morning. it's the least i can do.

*** 12:39 pm ***

- mission: candy bar -

after lunch, and a somewhat tense conversation with baby, i'm craving candy. a candy bar. specifically, a clark bar. no clark bar here, but a co-worker had little trial size bars on her desk. krackle. mr. goodbar. special dark. i should have eaten them all together to see whether that approximates what i want, but instead i ate the first two on their own and i'm left with the dark. i hope this is enough to satisfy my moody cravings. otherwise i'll have to find a healthier solution.

*** 10:23 am ***

- replaced "poetry" with "words" -

for those who haven't noticed, i changed my poetry link. now it simply says "words." it's a new link, and i hope you explore it. the words won't be much different from the previous site, but there has been a small amount of exorcism. i'm trying to make the world more my own, and less the product of other people affecting me. this is part of that process. enjoy.

*** 6:36 am ***

- subsequent delay -

steak fries

regret - 05.18.2009 - blame