destruction - 05.15.2009 - creation

*** 11:27 am ***

- down on the field -

i regularly read a football website called football outsiders. they write plenty of their own articles, but they also post football stories from around the country. i noticed one today about shane andrews, an eagles lineman battling depression. the website allows comments on articles, and i've been impressed with the support and understanding voiced in them. few people who bother have takent he stance that he should just shake it off and get on with it.

the comparison was made between depression and an acl tear. in both cases one could say these are medical conditions and we should treat the sufferers with equal understanding. while that's true, i think it minimalizes how difficult depression is to treat. i don't know how you treat a torn acl, whether it's surgery or exercise or some combination, but a player can recover and perform at nearly the same level as before. with depression few people actually find a "cure." mostly you find a way of dealing with it so it won't crippled your daily life. it's more like having a permanent injury, like losing a leg, and having to adjust your life accordingly. worse, because it's all in the head (chemical, emotional, wiring, whatever else) it's difficult to locate what exactly is the problem. a surgeon usually can't point to one place in the brain that causes the problem, cut it out, and everything's good. you can learn new ways of thinking, condition yourself to deal with the thoughts and emotions, and work out whatever might have caused the condition, but for most depressives it's a ghost that haunts you and never goes away. in my mind depression is something more than a medical condition because so little is understood about how it works. it's a mostly incurable disease that damages everything about you. frankly, i'm impressed that andrews is still playing, and i'm glad he's public about it. i hope this increases the public's understanding of depression and what a real problem it is.

*** 9:26 am ***

- (you) getting to know me -

we are all weenies.

but we don't have to be. sure, read me here anonymously. or don't read at all. no biggie.

if you want, though, you can leave a comment. show support, offer ideas, express yourself. tell me what an annoying jerk i am, i don't care. say something.

maybe i'll respond, either to your comment or in somethings or through email or whatever. from there, who knows? i'd love to meet my readers, get to know them, make real-life friends. even if you live in asia or africa or study ice in antartica, let's make something work. if you're ever in town look me up. or let me know and i'll see what i can do.

this isn't supposed to serve as some revenge on baby for last weekend. i've always wanted to do this. that was part of the driving force behind meeting her originally in miami. here's a reader, i'll be in her neck of the woods, let's find out more about her. i didn't expect her to be moving out of our shared apartment five years later. i didn't even think i'd see her after that trip. shit, i was ambivalent about spending the night in her bed that first time. then came all this. what are you waiting for? it could happen to you.

*** 7:32 am ***

- boring you is easy cause i'm boringful -

for those of you who don't know me, and maybe even for those who do, reading this site must get tedious, with all its repetition of my dull personal life. i complain about the same things repeatedly yet don't do anything to change them. i have problems i'm not fixing, disappointment i'm not improving, things i'm not doing. even this, i've already written that i've done this type of entry before. there's really nothing new to see here. specifics change but the overall theme does not. my writing isn't reasoned or enlightened, and i wonder how anyone can stand it. how do i snooker in five or six readers a day? even when my average is down to three or four that seems high. some days a bunch of people must stumble across me. i wonder how many return. i wonder who's reading. some familiar visitors are strangers to me. you're an ip address, and sometimes not even that. hello u.k., i hope you're having fun. i'd ask what you want to read but no one every answers that. not even getting advice on my relationship drama, because, well, what's the point? i'm not listening to it anyway. the life will roll out as it goes, and your ideas aren't going to change it. unless i listen.

*** 7:28 am ***

- the potential of the incredible -

looks like gilliam's quixote will ride again. after the disaster that produced "lost in la mancha," i wish him all the best. now i have to find tideland and hope parnassus gets a u.s. release sometime soon.

*** 6:38 am ***

- every month delicious -

the fragrance of cookies baking

regret - 05.15.2009 - blame