destruction - 03.16.2009 - creation

*** 9:08 pm ***

- when one of me is not enough -

single: Experiment; have fun now. You're out on the dating trail, so you might as well experience the full flavor of life. Because once you're committed, all that fanfare and variety goes away. That's not a bad thing -- you're just a one-guy (or one-gal) kind of person.

i'm trying, but people aren't playing along. maybe i should be more pro-active. or maybe i'm fundamentally flawed, and no one's gonna want to get to know me. i don't know what happened, what went wrong. i don't know why suddenly its lights out, and i'm ignored.

yes, i'm aware i'm not single yet. meeting people isn't easy. they don't want to get to know some guy who's seeing someone. then i don't know how to handle my situation. do i bring it up? do i let them ask? what do i tell them? say she's leaving eventually (i've been saying that for a year now)? do i simply state the facts (what are the facts)? how can i be myself, when i don't know what that is?

i don't know whether i'll ever be committed again. four years with a girl afraid of commitment has wrecked my thought on the subject. she won't divorce her husband to protect herself from getting tied to someone else. she can't give her all because there's always someone else in the back of her mind. i never lived up to everyone who came before. i was not enough, and i can't keep her.

if i meet someone else, i'll be honest about my goals: to be friends. i don't see myself being emotionally available for some time, for a year or two after baby leaves. in the meantime, i don't know what.

*** 11:19 am ***

- missed the spark -

people let you down.

*** 7:17 am ***

- a struggle -

got to bed about 1:30. needless to say, i'm tired.

*** 12:00 am ***

- less of a need -

layers of sweatering

regret - 03.16.2009 - blame