destruction - 07.29.2008 - creation

*** 4:54 pm ***

- a litany of star wells -

couple's: Resist the temptation to overindulge on food and drink today. If you are planning on going out with your honey tonight, you can still have fun, just enjoy everything in moderation.

it's a picnic, and i don't think i'll eat too much. just a sandwich from cosi, and maybe a few snacks if we get hungry. it's pretty simple, really. everything in moderation.

tarot.com: You might think you are being very clear in your communications, only to discover that someone heard something quite different from what you said. Instead of trying to go back and untangle the source of the misunderstanding, work from the present moment and go forward. Although a detour could temporarily derail your progress, something valuable will be gained in the process.

people rarely understand what i'm trying to say, baby especially. it's like i speak a foreign language with her. i don't know why i can't explain myself, but i'll talk and she won't have a clue what i mean. i get frustrated trying to explain it, and failing. frustrated repeating myself. i suppose this is good advice, simply to let the past go and work forward on a new tact. don't go back and untangle the misunderstanding. but wait, does that mean i repeat what i said, or say it another way, or simply forget about it and move on? i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do here.

single: Today your persistence makes all the difference. Be more aggressive in your quest for asking out someone you've been crushing on. A romantic rendezvous could become a reality when you put your mind to it.

didn't i say i'm not looking for romance right now? then why am i signed up to receive these single's love horoscopes? regardless, i'm not asking someone out for a romantic purpose. i've invited people along to blues brothers tonight. al may join us, lair will not, and i haven't heard from the girl with boy's mom's name. do i have another name for her? oh, yeah, cb. like a radio.

i haven't heard from cb, so i don't know her status. if she shows cool, if not, that's cool too. i won't protest too much if you think you have a different view of what i'm doing than i have. it's not that important what anyone things is going on. all that matters is what happens. whatever i say and do, what comes of it as my concern. that's how i know what to do next.

*** 1:52 pm ***

- gut check -

i have body image problems too.

*** 1:40 pm ***

- take you out -

we watched a few episodes of 'celebrity rehab'. here's dr. drew's take on new york's smoking ban in rehab clinics.

*** 11:43 am ***

- did i mean to? -

it's a slow day, in my head. feeling down, getting behind. i'm not sure what to do about it, trying to shrug off my pessimism. i'm trapped in anticipation, unsure what to do next. uncertain about what's happening, all i can do is wait for the future to come. will i be under pressure, or will i get it right for once?

*** 10:35 am ***

- michigan vacation 2008, part 3: thursday frustration -

i may hurt marginally less, but the pills and the heat wrap don't make any significant difference. waking up is usually the best time of day, though. when i can best stand upright and walk the least crippled. i'm not up early thursday morning, but i've not slept too late either. i'm up before baby, at least.

in the kitchen are doughnuts, though we arrived much too late to put in our orders. i can't remember what i had, i suppose whatever was leftover. yes, they're leftover donuts--no one went this morning. boy is working on getting going, his shower stuff still in my parents' bathroom so he's waiting his turn. his other grandparents are either still sleeping or are getting ready. it won't be long before everyone is going except for baby, though i'm not especially on the ball either.

a bowl of cheerios, reading the paper, pieces of donuts from the day before, a sliver of an elephant ear--the golden brown bakery calls them "crispies"--and some 1/2% milk (barely a tolerable notch above skim, but it's what's available). coffee isn't ready yet, but mom's making more.

when baby gets up i'm still reading. she has coffee, but i forget about it. this pot runs out before i remember, so thursday i'm coffeeless. that's ok, no big deal. we're not doing anything much at all.

truthfully, i don't remember what we did. probably she and boy and i went to the beach. i played in the water with him a little. she joined us briefly but was still afraid of the ball so turned in. eventually we came out of the water and went walking down the beach to find rocks. mom needs rocks to anchor her new trellises. trelli? we fill a bag then gather our stuff and climb the many stairs and walk back to the cottage.

no, wait. we go to the pool on the way back. i want to float a little and she wants more sun. we're not there long, because it's boring. we head home for a do-it-yourself lunch.

i'm joking, of course. as i write this my memory starts working. yes, we do have leftover donuts, and i have a piece, but then we get dressed and head into town for breakfast. boy's other grandparents are heading home tomorrow, so we're going out for breakfast today.

we wait a while. the head server or whoever won't push two tables together for a group of seven, preferring instead to wait for his 7-tops to clear. when we're finally seated our service is spotty. the food is mediocre at best (boy likes his pancakes, but he's never been much on quality). baby's artichokes are grey, and she gets served late, after the rest of us. it's pretty much a waste of breakfast. the pancake place we used to visit got torn down to make room for condos. north shore inn how we miss you.

after that disappointing outing, then boy, baby and i head to the beach. we do what i said we did above, then come back. instead of diy lunch, we shower and sit around for a while. i lie on my back. we're going out for dinner, to another mediocre restaurant. it used to be closer but moved downtown to score more business. too bad the food quality dropped with the move. it's not bad, though, and better than breakfast. i sit on the end so i can stand periodically. standing is much better than sitting.

after dinner we have a little time to walk around out front while it's still light. let's rephrase that: mom goes to some stores while we wait to pay the check, then we go out and stand around until she comes back. things are closing. we get in our cars and return to the cottage.

i don't think we went to sherman's dary bar for ice cream that night, though maybe we did. maybe we didn't all go, i can't remember. i don't recall boy's other grandparents there, so i dont't think we went. instead we settled down for a game of team scrabble.

i like scrabble. i'm not as good as i'd like, but i do ok. boy and i were a team, the grandfathers were a team, and of course the grandmothers were a team. baby took a nap, then settled down with a magazine--scrabble is not her game.

the men got off to a good lead, but faltered when we called them on a word. not having a dictionary, we had to use word, and we all know it has a limited vocabulary. the word was denied and they lost their turn. that allowed the rest of us a turn to catch up, and stuck their team with a q the rest of the game.

the rules state that when no one can play anymore, you add up the score of your remaining tiles and subtract them from your score. fair enough. if you have used all your tiles, you get to add to your score the scores of the tiles subtracted from the others. that seems questionable, but that's the rule.

at the end of the game, the women were a few points ahead of us, and the men, while ahead, screwed because of that q. boy's other grandmother tried a word but it wasn't in word either. she kept trying to use her tiles, even went to make sure boy wasn't cheating when he was entering the word into word, and basically tried everything she could think of to play those tiles and win the game. she might have been more gracious about losing if we'd managed to pull ahead, but in the end she had to admit defeat, grudgingly, and boy and i were champions.

she went straight to bed, no doubt pouting and upset. it's not the first time i've seen her throw a fit because she didn't get her way. she might have been more blatant if baby hadn't been there. maybe even worse if not for my parents' presence. it's not a surprise.

there are gaps in here, as there may be in my telling of other days. for the most part, that'll mean we sat around. we read, or watched tv, or i laid on my back, or boy, baby and i played mag blast for hours. while we were unable to interest others in the game, we have a lot of fun (and some petty squabbles) playing. it's a fun card game boy introduced us to. i'm tempted to buy it and force my friends to play too. i'm not sure it stands easily against rock band or super smash bros. brawl, but it might overcome uno and gin rummy for a quiet evening in the park or wherever. i should try that sometime.

after scrabble we went to bed. it was getting late and there wasn't much else to do. it'd been a long day, and i was sore from all the sitting. more pills, another heat wrap, and sleep.

*** 9:59 am ***

- bloody neck and all -

anyone out there read the 'twilight' books yet? i am curious about them.

i understand one running theme is abstinence. i can dig that, though i'd like people to be aware of safe sex because kids don't always keep it in their pants when things get hot and heavy. better for them to know what to do in that situation, than simply feel bad afterwards.

a criticism i've read of the books is that the girl is basically the vampire's passively devoted almost-sexual partner. they can't do it, but she defers to him in every way. that doesn't strike me as an empowerment message for young women. i'm afraid of mothers and daughters bonding over this message. however i haven't read the books so i don't know. i was wondering if any of you might have thoughts on it.

as a 32-yr-old buy, is there anything in this book to keep me from putting it down after page two? sure, i dig vampires, but dude, what? romance novel? c'mon.

perhaps i could justify it as research for my own vampire story. if that's the case, though, i need to get reading vampire stories. dracula is not enough. anne rice, here i come.

*** 9:40 am ***

- schedule -

astrocenter: You could spend the day visiting family and friends, star. Your day should be a pleasant one, filled with positive energy. You could be in a thoughtful mood. You might want to spend some private time by yourself. You might enjoy contemplating your goals for the future. What do you want to see happen over the next six months? What actions can you take to make these things occur?

this is something i never do. like at the beginning of the year, i talked about confidence that this year would bring big things, but then i didn't set any goals or make any plans towards achieving them. i didn't lay out how it was going to be great. maybe that's why my enthusiasm sputtered. or at least it's part of it.

as for goals, well, resolving my housing situation is one. i have a few pots on the fire, but i have to figure out when to pull the trigger on which ones. um, yes, that's a terrible mixing of metaphors. sue me.

resolving my relationship situation is another. i prefer to let it resolve itself, i.e. wait for her to leave. that's easier for me, and cheaper. furthermore, it helps me postpone the need to be single, though in some ways i'm restless for that freedom. as my frustration with her grows, i figure out what i'd rather have in my life, and how selective i'm going to be. frankly, i fully intend to swim the seas and try the fish, whatever that may bring. i'm open, who's biting?

what i should do, though, is set deadlines for music and writing goals. say i'm going to write x story by the end of the year (or the end of august). i'm going to make x songs in august (or every month). then do it. execute. figure out how to fit it all into my life. otherwise, what's the point? if i'm not using the music stuff, why have it? make some room for other junk and dump it. seriously, do something with what i have.

i've never been good at this stuff, because i'm lazy and i procrastinate. that doesn't mean i can't start now.

*** 6:41 am ***

- quondam -

cat food commercials

regret - 07.29.2008 - blame