destruction - 07.23.2008 - creation

*** 10:04 pm ***

- told not sold -

daily: Someone new breezes into your life today and might give you reason to rethink some deeply held opinion. It's a good time to open up to your friends and maybe take a new direction in life.

i held off on this one hoping it might somehow come true. unfortunately, no such thing happened. i didn't encounter anyone new, at least not on a social level. i had some new business contacts, but i doubt any of them will give me "reason to rethink some deeply held opinion." they haven't so far. perhaps i will open up to my friends, and perhaps i will manage to take a new direction in life, but i don't see that stemming from anyone new i talked to today.

tarot.com: If you have been thinking about enlisting others to help you with a project, this is your chance because your confidence is contagious now. Just be careful not to talk too much, for the more you say, the less convincing you become. Think like a verbal commando today: get someone's attention, deliver your message succinctly, and then get out.

i'll be honest, i tried to follow this one today. i didn't always succeed, but i tried. it's good advice in general to be succinct and not give too much away. play close to the vest. not because you have something to hide, but so as not to look a fool. state your position as simply as possible, without rambling along with hollow phrases to "support" it. make your point and let it go.

astrocenter: You should be in excellent spirits, with the Moon thus positioned. You'll have a new outlook on life and will be seeing the potentials for success that are all around you. You have everything it takes right now to rise to the top. Just stick to your goals and keep that energy up, and the universe will soon be granting you your fondest desires!

i enlisted help for the start of a new project today. i'll explain it later, but know that it's not a simple plan and it still has time to fail. plenty of opportunity to fail, but i'd rather tell you afterwards, rather than get your hopes up only so you can watch me crash and burn yet again. i'll make something of myself then tell you how, instead of giving you the plan then coming up short.

*** 11:11 am ***

- this indecision is killing me -

at the start of march i took a long walk alone and thought through a lot of relationship things, a lot of emotional things. i took pictures with my cell phone (yes, that's from my cell phone) and marveled at the last dramatic clash of winter and spring for 2008. i knew at the time we wouldn't have another day like that, frozen snow and ice breaking up as the season finally turned, and afterwards i was glad for having taken those pictures, even though my phone battery was dying. all the while, i thought about how i wished she were with me, how much better the experience would be if shared with her. i thought up things we'd talk about, comments we'd make, shared joys and thrills. it was an echo of our trip to the frozen-over beach in rogers park a few years ago, when big chunks of ice reached into the lake and we clambered over the lunar terrain taking pictures and making goofy poses. only the echo was incomplete: i was alone.

when i got home i was cool. i was resolved to my fate. i was ready for the future of her leaving, and us drifting slowly apart. even so, as the date (the uncertain, ever-shifting date) approaches, i feel a growing trepidation for what happens next. i'm in a position to move on alone, at my own pace, or bascially do whatever i need to make my desired future work--without her. i'm free to make my own decisions about my future, without taking her into account. in some ways i'm doing that anyway, but in others i'm having trouble. am i ready to be alone? am i ready to be discarded? that's how i've been feeling. before it was a mutual decision, an acceptance of the state of things, of what we both needed, of how things were. now i feel as though i'm being shrugged off as extra baggage, unwanted and unappreciated. i'm being set adrift on one of those chunks of ice and left to my own devices as to returning to shore. the sense of rejection is eating at me, but i'm trying to shrug it off and distract myself with other things. i have better things to do with my life. i have my own life to live. if she doesn't want me, then i don't have to want her either.

we should set a date and break this off, to give some definition to things, but we won't. instead we'll drift forward until she's finally ready to fly away. i'll get what i can out of her then sadly wave goodbye. i want to say i'm not clinging to her out of need or fear, but only because i'm not clinging, not because i'm not still holding on after all hope is lost. i'll release when i have to, and i'll be ok, but it won't be what i want. this isn't pretty and it isn't easy, but at least it isn't the catastrophic cataclysm it could have been.

*** 10:07 am ***

- a further examination of lower back pain -

last monday, that would be the 7th, i was hurting. what had begun sunday night as a sore lower back turned into a persistent problem during the day. essentially, i sat too much and neglected to protect my back as i should have. i've had soreness there before and it got better in a day or two. i would lay off my usual exercise and movement, and then it would be ok. i'd ice then heat, and it would get better. i tried that monday after work, and tuesday morning felt well enough to give yoga a try, with the idea of stretching my back muscles back into shape. that's a bad idea, and it only made things worse. compounding this was my failure to get up and walk around enough at work. i should have been up every twenty or thirty minutes and stayed on my feet five or ten minutes. whether this meant hobbling around the block or limping up stairs or merely pacing the floor, i should have been up more. instead i sat on my ass and gritted my teeth while the pain got worse. i'd shuffle around, hunching slightly, trying vainly to walk normally even though i couldn't straighten my back properly. it wasn't an issue of pain, i simply could not get in that position. my gait looked unnatural, and there was nothing i could do about it.

finally, wednesday i was in so much pain i took her advice and went to see the doctor. he ran some basic tests, like stretching my legs and checking my reflexes, then pronounced it a muscle pull. i told him i've had back pain off and on, that it's chronic, and he prescribed rehab treatment with a local athletic center (when i called later they seemed somewhat familiar with his name, so he must send all his patients there). he also gave me a muscle relaxant to take when i sleep, and told me to keep taking whatever otc pain reliever i wanted. essentially he said it would get better with time, and i should just take it easy until it did. i didn't tell him about my weekend plans, not in any detail at least, but i don't think he would have had me change anything. my biggest concern was driving to sleepy hollow that night, and how my back was going to hold up.

*** 6:50 am ***

- passing out of reach -

tetherball

regret - 07.23.2008 - blame