destruction - 07.22.2008 - creation

*** 9:35 pm ***

- here comes the sun -

astrocenter: With the Sun moving into your sign today, you should feel a sense of confidence and enthusiasm returning to you. If you've been feeling a little lethargic or melancholy lately, that will now end. You'll be able to look at your life from a more positive perspective, seeing the silver lining in every cloud. You'll feel a sense of relief as you realize that things are really okay, after all!

[hey, have you noticed they've taken out my name? they don't care about me anymore. :( ]

yesterday i was uncertain of myself. last week i was in pain and grumpy. today, walking to and from target, i felt as though i knew what to do. my second-guessing washed away, and i felt confident in my own abilities to do anything.

then tonight i talked to my dad and felt a little uncertain again. maybe not so much uncertain as unprepared. i have to gather more information. i have to do it quickly, or i'll miss out on an important opportunity. a life-changing opportunity. some people go to the stars while others build castles on the ground. neither is inherently wrong, they just have different value for the people doing them.

that isn't to say i feel enthusiastic or not-lethargic, not by any means. but i do have some ideas about more i can do with myself than just sit and fiddle with the computer. the won't come to fruition soon, but if i start now i'll get there eventually, right?

right?

tarot.com: The Sun begins its month-long visit to your amazing sign today and you want everyone to know exactly how wonderful it is. But others could quickly grow tired of your boasting about your accomplishments. Ultimately, it's not about getting attention for what you have done. It's about how much you can open your heart to love others just the way they are.

i haven't done anything worth boasting about. no, i'm just fumbling around getting nowhere. still. maybe some day i'll be able to love others, but for now it's just need, loneliness, and desire. eventually those too will fade, or i'll conquor them. i don't need feelings that hold me back, that keep me from fulfilling my promise. i need freedom and self-appreciation. self-understanding. self-actualization.

that's bullshit, but i'll try it.

maybe i'll feel better about all this as the month progresses. maybe it's my time. hey, wait, leo starts. it is my time.

*** 9:08 pm ***

- running damages -

romantic: Others may react emotionally to an innocent suggestion. Though you mean to be helpful, your comments could come off as insincere. Choose your words carefully if you don't want to make the situation worse.

there's still time.

and the knowledge that i'm unnecessary, maybe even unwanted, still comes as a shock to me. still weighs me down with a dull sadness. i should make my own plans for the future and not try to accomodate her. i don't have to take her into account. i hate when relationships turn into this, when it's clear there's nothing left between us but distance. there's nothing i can do about that. my presence is only a nuisance. it's time for me to move on.

prepare yourself for drastic changes.

*** 9:02 pm ***

- plank sale -

daily: It's a good day to moderate your caffeine intake and otherwise ensure that you're not about to fly off the handle when things go awry -- as they do sometimes. You should find it simple to relax later on.

now is not the time to relax. now is the time to focus and get things done. the time to make sense of the future, get my shit together and make something happen.

that'll make more sense when (and if) i do it.

*** 12:49 pm ***

- unwilling to be myself -

in her lj post last night she showed once again how self-aware she is. i admire this, and envy it (though i shouldn't envy something i should be able to do myself).

i am self-absorbed, but not self-aware. it's all fantasy, obsessed with dreams. i'm focused on what i could be, on what i'm not. it's not even my own mythology, but something grander. if i could just get my head out of my ass long enough to transcribe these visions, i might have a marketable story. then, though i'd still be a phony, at least i'd be somebody. everyone wants to be somebody.

unless they already know who they are.

*** 11:32 am ***

- homeless -

i like it here. i think. i want to stay, i think. i want to be here.

i don't know what i want.

that's my problem, the lacking of grounding, the lack of home.

i read -- yes, this is terribly disjointed, and i'm formatting it so you can feel just how scattered my thinking is -- i read this entry in lj from someone living in seattle who used to live here, and regrets leaving. he talks about grit, about tension, about how chicago is an active place, filled with assholes and confrontation, while seattle is laid back and calm. he longs for the energy of this city, but admits that one felt like something of a relief at the time. i read his entry and i wonder: why don't i see chicago this way? why don't i feel this tension, this constant need to battle? i don't see myself as being part of some big tangle of people rubbing up against each other like sandpaper and stone. i don't see the grit. it's just a city.

like indy is a city, only indy wasn't this much of a city. indy was calm, laid back, and spread out. growing up i was surrounded by trees. growing up i was a 5-minute drive or 20-minute bike ride from the nearest mcdonald's. our street didn't (and still doesn't) have sidewalks. the only bus i ever rode was the school bus, and charter busses for trips to king's island or chicago. until i had a car i had no freedom of movement. even then, i moved in a bubble. either alone or with a friend i traveled to places i knew to do things i understood, without having to trek through challenging terrain in between. hop on the highway and ride around the city, no need for dirty turnstyles and backalley shortcuts. i hardly knew what an alley was, with everything laid out in urban sprawl. the roads were under construction not to fill holes but to build more lanes, add capacity to clogged arteries. everywhere i went there was glass between me and my surroundings. i walked out my front door and got in my car, then crossed a parking lot to a store, restaurant, or movie theater. that was life in indy, always separate, always distant.

college was small town life, trees, no traffic lights. college was tucked away in seclusion, with the occasional hour-long drive to the city to break the monotony. college was my tiny space, often shared, where i tried to cram everything i needed for the year (not all i owned, but in retrospect all i needed to own). summers at home, and after college back at home. on trips to the parents' i lived from a backpack, dragging my laundry to and fro to save quarters and use better machines. wherever i went i never felt grounded, never felt peace, never really felt at home. i had a place for my stuff, and a place where i was, always shifting always changing. my only home was my body, moving and lonely, never quite attached to anything.

i've used relationships for cover. i've tried to tie myself to people to keep from floating away. i've tried to use them for ballast so i wouldn't lose myself in the air. they kept me from running, from growing, from being free. i didn't understand it because i didn't know what i needed to be. i still don't, but i'm starting to learn that connecting with people creates limitations, and limitations hold you back from your potential. not that connections are bad when they're healthy, but made out of need (as mine have been) they're not healthy. they're leaden, deadweight. a girlfriend is not a home, she is a ball and chain. if i have to take other people into account when i act, then i am unable to be true to myself. yet i have always tried to do that, and i've been bitter when people made decisions without regard to my feelings. those decisions were right for them, perhaps--perhaps even right for me--but they weren't designed to make me happy, and often they hurt more than i thought i deserved (most of my life has hurt more than i thought i deserved).

now i find my relationship fluttering, trying to take off without me. that's ok, that's cool, i understand this time. i agree with that decision, i support it wholeheartedly. let me help you get aloft. i can fly too. maybe.

but i have another opportunity to ground myself. become tied down. not another girl, lrod knows i don't need that, but a place to which i have grown accustomed, a comfort level i have come to enjoy, surroundings i think i like. but still, what of this city? what of this place? is it any better (or worse) than any other place? how emotionally committed am i? if not for the hassle of moving, why couldn't i swap this place for something similar and be just as ok? sure, costs change, convenience changes, freedom and access change, but the space itself doesn't matter, does it? a place to put my stuff, not a place i need to know and enjoy, right? except i've lost that nomadic sense, i've lost that branching out. i want a place where i feel comfortable because i stay there, i stay in. if i were never home, a small box with my bed and junk would be just fine. if i want people over, if i want to relax alone, i need space to spread out, room to occupy my thoughts and actions. places to play games and host parties. and i have a chance to commit myself to that, to commit a space to me. to find something grounded, something more than just a "home base" but maybe perhaps a home. without the threat of deciding every year whether to pull stakes and move. the chance to stake my own claim to this city, and not have to worry about where i go next.

but is that really what i want?

and if so, why?

*** 9:10 am ***

- michigan vacation 2008, part 1 -

last weekend (not this past saturday & sunday, but the pair before) we drove to sleepy hollow to celebrate my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. i doubt i'll ever be married 20 years, much less 40, so i consider theirs quite an achievement. i know it hasn't always been easy or happy, but it's been good enough. marriage isn't about being happy, it's about working well together. i think i could marry eventually--i think i have the disposition for that sort of long commitment. i wouldn't promise to be faithful, but i'd be loyal.

we drove out saturday morning, running later than intended, and arrived early afternoon. it was a low-key day, so we didn't do a whole lot. she and i got our suits on and took boy to the beach while my sister and her boyfriend shopped in town. the beach was nice, sunny and bright, and the water warm enough and relatively calm. we threw a hard plastic ball around, but baby kept getting hurt so she complained about it and eventually we went in. then we showered and spiffed up for fancy dinner. my parents had friends in, a guy dad once worked with and his second wife, and they joined us. the nine of us ate well and had a good time.

after dinner it was too late to visit the sherman dairy bar so we went home and went to bed. i noticed some discomfort in my back, attributed it to tweaking something at the gym the thursday before, and figured it would wear off.

the next day we returned to the beach, but this time the waves were high and she didn't want to go in. the year before they had bowled her over and she didn't like it. besides, she wanted to get some sun, despite the clouds moving in. i waded out to the sandbar with boy and we tried throwing the ball a little. eventually we just fought the waves. i had to fight the water to stay upright, and i tumbled a time or two. somewhere in all the rush i twisted funny and aggravated my lower back. when we went in a little later the ache was more persistent. i didn't think it would become what it did, but i knew something was wrong.

i can't remember what else we did, whether we played mag blast or, wait, yes. two-face and her boy had rented a couple movies. we watched 'drillbit taylor' after dinner saturday, and '10,000 b.c.' sunday morning. i'm not sure why we let that terrible movie eat up a chunk of our day, but there we were. at some point dad scolded us for wasting the day, and we listened. we turned off the movie and went out to the beach. after the beach we finished the movie and i think we stayed for dinner. we had good burgers dad grilled. after dinner we drove home--she and i stopped at sherman's dairy bar for ice cream (i had a shake) for the ride home. i tried to support my back with a towel, but it was hurting more by the time we got home. we were late enough the drive was pretty easy, though i didn't like going through the construction areas.

it was a good weekend, though i'd pay for my fun the rest of the week. while that lead to disappointment, i still enjoyed the weekend. i'm glad i could be there to celebrate my parents' 40th anniversary. i look forward to celebrating their 50th too.

*** 6:58 am ***

- precede in time -

antedating

regret - 07.22.2008 - blame