destruction - 07.21.2008 - creation

*** 5:10 pm ***

- where's my on button? -

romantic: Don't fly off the handle when someone flakes on a date. It could have been a misunderstanding about when and where you were to meet up. Give this person the benefit of the doubt before writing them off your list forever.

i think i'm going to sign up for the couple's horoscope too, and choose whichever one works better. i don't have any dates this week--i'm not even dating. oh, there's the party saturday night, but i think people who have confirmed their attendance will be here. i don't think they'll flake on me.

at any rate, i wouldn't write off anyone for missing a date, or maybe even two. it helps if i'm not left holding the bag, or standing alone in a crowded place looking like a sad loser. better to have something to do, like see a movie, that i'm comfortable doing alone if necessary. whenever i do start dating again, i'll probably also find myself doing date-type things alone. though i'm still too self-conscious to take myself out to dinner very often. that makes me sad.

*** 5:09 pm ***

- pride before the fall -

daily: You may be walking through an emotional minefield today, thanks to the odd psychic energy floating around, tweaking people's fears and doubts today. If you set someone off, just apologize and move on.

i'm always setting off someone, though not because there's any "odd psychic energy floating around". no, it's because i grate on people, and we argue. ok, someone specific, but still, i'm sure if you were in this relationship with me you'd react the same way. it seems i can't maintain calm and stability with anyone. i have to overreact, and i have to get on your nerves. i'm sorry, but this is how i am. i'm damaged, i'm a wreck. no one's going to want me like this.

sometimes i'm aggressive when i mean only to be assertive. i'm overcompensating for my tendency to be too polite, too giving, too passive. i use courtesy as a way to get out of confrontation, to avoid getting in anyone's way. when i notice myself doing this, or i get to a place where i might do it, i will sometimes push harder for my opinion, or rights, or vision, than is necessary. this puts people off, and i end up losing ground because of it. starting arguments i can't win, because as usual i'm in the wrong. putting up walls where they needn't be. yet, if i'd been courteous, if i'd been polite, if i'd been passive, we wouldn't have had that confrontation. no argument, no harm, no foul. except i'd be giving in again, and i'd get stepped on every time.

how to balance assertiveness with courtesy is my next lesson. i don't want to be pushed around, but i don't want to be bullying people either. how do i become persuasive, but not manipulative? how do i treat people with respect, not bossing them around? how do i show deference without giving up my rights?

it's a fine line between asserting oneself and being polite, and i don't always walk it well. i have developed a sense of entitlement where previously i might have let people walk over me. i'm still finding that balance, and trying not to have chip on my shoulder when people have taken advantage of my courtesy. i think that's why it's grudging now, because i feel used and abused and underappreciated. i don't get a medal for being nice.

*** 6:44 am ***

- the lost atrocities -

sitting in bed watching the sun rise over the park

regret - 07.21.2008 - blame