destruction - 2001-08-12 - creation

*** 9:57 a.m. ***

- inside -

internalizing too much by not going outside at all for three days leads to minor flaws in logic and massive flaws in socialization. if the house weren't empty, and if i didn't have so many thoughts, the sun would greet me every morning with a smile, and the night would keep me company when i sleep. instead, i have this sense of something missing, like i've gone on a trip and left something behind. it's one of those forgotten, unplaceable things that wake you in the middle of the night and bring a certain unease to all your activities through the day.

i develop rituals for myself. in the absence of company, specifically someone who makes up for my superstitions with her own idiosyncracies, i create rules about how to do things. my roommate/ex-girlfriend's room requires me to go barefoot. checking the mail requires certain turns. i try to avoid eating. i replace the second pillow on my bed with stuffed animals who pretend to talk to me when i sleep. my skin demands to be as bare as public decency and personal comfort will allow, which often leads to a low waistline, small shirts, and a lot of hip-touching.

strange how i only feel and act sexy when no one will notice.

regret - 2001-08-12 - blame