destruction - 11.20.2009 - creation

*** 8:29 pm ***

- "come a little closer can you hear my thong" -

single: A delightfully silly date is just what you and that romantic prospect need in order to get closer. If you're not jazzed about your current possibilities, take yourself somewhere wonderfully frivolous.

how about al and i go see peaches tonight? is that frivolous enough? crazy enough? tempting enough?

not that it's a date. my "party" tomorrow night might end up going over like a date, but tonight is not. though i doubt tomorrow will come off as a date. it won't result in anything. i'll make dinner, we'll have wine, and then we'll muddle through the rest of the evening trying to amuse ourselves until she feels it's time to go home. i don't have any idea how to read her, or approach her, and i don't see her making any sort of move. no, it'll just be a quiet, tense night at my place. ooh, fun.

because i can't relax.

*** 9:38 am ***

- ground shifting, because nothing is permanent -

lovescope: A temporary separation from a romantic partner could be frustrating, but it can be beneficial in two ways: first, it may finally hit you how much this person means to you, or vice versa. Secondly, you could realize that there is a powerful intuitive bond between you, and you can sense each other's thoughts and feelings even at a distance. These realizations could be disconcerting, but beneficial. Think about it!

this is interesting. if today or this weekend turns out this way then we were wrong about this relationship. not so much the missing part, because that could happen (though if i keep busy or spend time with other people it may not), but evidence of an intuitive bond would be contrary to our history together. thus far i've not shown much intuition, especially when it comes to baby, so if that sort of connection happened now it'd be a dramatic shift in our relationship. would it be too little too late? possibly. because i'm not sure i want to go back, given the other differences we have.

that said, we're still close, even if it's more physical than emotional. as things progress i realize my emotional bond with her is weakening. not to the point i'm ready to love someone else--that's a very different re-construction project--but enough that i'm not inclined to go out of my way for her anymore. i'll fool around with other people and not worry about how baby will react. if she doesn't like it that's her problem. she had her chance.

she told me the other day that her therapist asked her what feelings she still has for me, or maybe why she's still drawn to me. something like that. her response was that she's attracted to me. my pull is almost entirely physical. there's the comfort of familiarity, i'm sure, but basically we're still doing this because i'm hot and she likes it. when that wears off we'll just be intermittent friends.

i'm cool with this. surprisingly, it's not a big deal to hear that. she told her therapist i probably have a different view and i'd be disappointed to hear how she feels, but after hearing it i found it didn't matter. a brief pause while i reflected on what it meant, and then i was ok. did i bury something in that moment? perhaps. but also i accepted that this is a friendship with physical intimacy rather than a loving relationship. i can't be sure whether we ever had that, though i'm going to assume we did because we both said so. i believed it, and i've no reason to disbelieve it now. at least i know we don't have that intensity now. what will the future bring? as baby said the other day, nothing has to be permanent.

and nothing is.

*** 6:47 am ***

- when does that happen? -

feeling satisfied with the rightness of the world

regret - 11.20.2009 - blame