destruction - 07.04.2009 - creation

*** 12:40 am ***

- all's well that ends well -

i'm twisted. part of the problem is the lack of contact. not talking to people and hanging out, not having good conversations, but physical contact. i come from a family that wasn't very affectionate, didn't show appreciation for each other well, and as a result i crave a lot of it. when i'm single i start getting jittery and anxious around people i find attractive. it probably sounds horribly desperate, and maybe it is. i'm always walking this line where i'm not sure what i can get away with. i don't want to ruin a friendship by misreading something.

example: my friend came over tonight, the only one who could hang out, and we had dinner and listened to music for a few hours. we talked and had a good time, and when she got tired she left. that's cool, that's what friends do, but i kept catching myself looking at her and wondering what if. i've been on my own since tuesday and i already miss physical contact. even a hug would have helped, but i couldn't even manage that. it doesn't help that i've had a crush on this girl for a while, mostly because she's unattainable. not that she's out of reach but that i've been in a relationship as long as i've known her. now i'm kind of worried about what i'll do when i'm single. i don't want to wreck the friendship.

*** 12:27 am ***

- somethin' else -

birthstone rings

regret - 07.04.2009 - blame