destruction - 05.15.2008 - creation

*** 3:58 pm ***

- the fall of the american empire -

america doesn't have to be in decline. it could have been avoided if our political leaders, our executive branche hadn't been religious zealots, greedy businessmen, and idiot warmongers.

*** 2:28 pm ***

- how she means -

romantic: You'll find communicating easy to do now, so use this opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with your sweetie. If there's something on your mind, let them know. Also use this as a chance to tell them how much they mean to you.

i didn't. instead i took of her clothes and got physical. then i made her a grilled cheese sandwich. that was lunch together, it took less than an hour. we had little else to say, but some kisses and the look that gives us away. clearly we're still in love. clearly the impossible is coming, but we don't know how to stop it. it has no stop, it's inevitable, unavoidable and impossible. everything has to end sometime. she wore no pants when i left, no pants and a smile. smooth in all the right places, and in need of a shower.

she's on the train now, or at the airport. she's going to her plane, to fly to florida. we will have email, we will have cell phones. we will have communication across the distance. whatever else might come, we still have each other. however it turns out, this time together has not been in vain. we have found something inside to make us stronger. or at least i have.

she's gone until sunday night, i forget how late. i'll have to find a way to sleep tonight. i'll have to find something to do this weekend. keep myself awake perhaps, or go out drinking with strangers. pick up a girl who looks nothing like her, or spend my nights alone waiting and staring at the shadows on the ceiling wishing the sounds outside would become her voice in my ear and the bed would shrink so she would be near. i won't know what to do with myself, but maybe i can stay busy. maybe i can stay awake so long sleep will need me. and quiet whispers on the phone will satisfy my longing. the overnight craving of having someone close. of being with her and not alone.

*** 10:25 am ***

- ulterior motives -

a guy got fired for forwarding a chain email. some joke about "hinsdale trixies" comparing them to barbies. what i've had described to me isn't all that offensive, except maybe to the trixies in question. the term trixie is intentionally pejorative, though if the paper runs (tongue-in-cheek, sort of) articles on how to recognize trixies and chads, then it can't be that taboo. i wonder whether they had another reason to get rid of him, and this was just an excuse.

*** 10:10 am ***

- fixed perspective -

tarot.com: Although others may see you as very outgoing now, it may take a leap of faith to project the courage that they expect from you. Your confidence may have recently waned and you might not feel as positive as usual. Nevertheless, you can still turn your day around by bringing your self-doubt right out into the open. When your friends see that you don't have the answer to every question, they will jump in to lend a helping hand.

the closer her departure comes, the more i lament losing some of her attributes. i know we didn't live up to our potential, but i've also learned we couldn't have worked long-term. the things i will miss i will also have to learn not to expect/push for from other people. everyone has her own habits and behaviors, her own things that excite her and bug her, and i'll have to adapt to those. as i have in the past, i guess, but every time it's gotten easier because each girlfriend has been more open-minded (for the most part). i like the stability of a consistent girl who is regularly around. however long it takes to have a serious relationship again, it won't be long before i want one or a few people who'll open their doors, and beds, to me for nights or weekends. i try not to think about it, because i don't know how i'm going to do it. i don't know how i'm going to manage on my own. i don't know where i'm going or what's coming next. the potential for disaster is great, and the potential for ruin is high. you may keep me stabilized, and my hobbies may keep me busy, but at some point i'll be crawling the walls for contact that no one can give me.

my confidence has waned from the beginning of the year. i've not progressed as much as i'd hoped. i've not made the advancements or changes i expected. maybe you could say our confrontation in march was a setback, and i've had to restructure my thoughts on the future, but it's also an opportunity, the opportunity that will make changing everything possible. i try to keep that in mind, but i have a hard time doing so when i'm also thinking about what i'm leaving behind. what changes, and how hard a time i have accepting change. some things i can't take with me, and that's the hardest part.

--

i wrote this, then had to go take something to a co-worker. on the way back i stopped to talk to another co-worker. she used to live in my neighborhood, back in '99, and is always interested in updates. she keeps talking about kasey's and how old the floor is, how small it is, how nice they are there. i mentioned i'm on my own this weekend, and she suggested i do a pub crawl. that would be kasey's, hackney's, and blackie's. maybe i could go over to cactus if i got bored. or start there, then do kasey's. i wonder if i should do manhattan's too--i forgot about that one. or bar louie, but i don't really like that place. but, in this conversation, she had me agree to give her my report on kasey's. i think that means i have to go one night at least. i have plans tonight but the others are still open. i probably want cash, though maybe i can drink on a tab. depends on how many drinks i plan to have. i've never gone out drinking on my own, and it seems kind of expensive and silly, but maybe i'll get drunk and meet people, or maybe i'll have a few drinks and get bored and go home. that would be fine too.

*** 9:25 am ***

- did you see my skin? -

suddenly i feel like doing something crazy and wild, like getting a tattoo. i know exactly what it would be, and i've invented a few stories for it. not many people would see it, and i don't think it would be an issue anyway, but i'd feel a bit cooler with a tattoo. nothing big, nothing that i'd have to hide for work, nothing you'd worry about. chicago has plenty of quality tat places, and what i want is simple enough i'm sure i could find a good place without much trouble.

but who'll get me drunk enough to do it?

*** 8:45 am ***

- don't look at me that way -

i hope people reading this who know me in real life understand somethings is an emotionally distorted wasteland. it's not a clear depiction of the world around me. it's not quite a funhouse mirror--that would have reflection--but it's not entirely accurate either.

am i honest? i really couldn't say.

*** 8:31 am ***

- keep an inside life -

i've written another expansion of my universe for you. for those who bother reading my poetry.

*** 6:50 am ***

- which i've never done -

sending a fan letter

regret - 05.15.2008 - blame